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the streets are on fire. tonight.

its cold out tonight. i went outside and stood in the neverceasing wind as it threw my hair on my face, creating spaces only for my eyes, wiht headphones glued permanantly to my ears.

'death is at the tip of her tongue and
dangers at the tip of her fingers.
the streets are on fire,

its happening.

first day of summer.

it was lightening outside.
i sat atop the car and lay and watched it illuminate the sky.

i dont think ill be writing in here much fr th summer. i have my written journal fr th summer.

still have that picture and that image in my head.
im tellin ya, if i dont find a marco, ill die.

last day of school.

wow. its over. im a highschooler. damn....
so we had this one thingg.. talent show. and it took FOREVERRR. it was SO HOT in th room. and... it ended at 2:45. NOT 31. so yeah. they stole 15 minutes of my precious summer. just wait. im coming to school 15 minutes late on the first dayy. :] well i left my hair down today. dude. i really hate all these ppl i normally wouldnt talk to at all. OMGURHAIRISSOPRETTY. *says in rebecca's "stacy" voice* and the picture right now.. it was before promotion. and i accidentily sent it to adam.. ugh. yeah. i kinda shared a seat with him thru the movie..but yeahh. it was fine. i was talking to becky today...shes soo cool though...gahhhhh. hes gonna be SO in love with her by the time we get back to schooolll!!!! yeah. it sucks. waitt....

no it doesnt. its adam. adam likes becky. ayesha is fine wiht that.....

*exclaims loudly in an about-ready-to-cry voice* OKAY SO IM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:[

and i am SO not gonna be thinking about this a month into summer....at least...i hopenot. anyway, it was really hot in that gym when they were performing. half the ppl sang. and almost ALL the ppl sang BAD. there were like..2 good acts. the others i coulda died. and...i ended up taking a picture with geo. then, i said later to adam and waved. (i couldnt hug him. he likes someone. and he knows that i know and that would be wierd.) but....i took a picture with javier. AND i hugged him. i...just....my eyes keep on going bak to that picture...its automatic. i dont know WHY. i like it though...

more than i should.

i hate everything about youuuu.

so im sitting here tonight, thinking about all this random crap.
rebeccas sleepin over.
stuff thats on my mind:
adam and becky.
tmrw is the last day of school.

im not even sure who i hate!!!! :]


and you said what again..????

*shoots self*
i have this vision in my head. and it wont go away.
becky in a white wedding gown and veil.
adam in a black tuxedo.
they're walking towards each other.

oh shit.

so i didnt write yesterday. haya and ppl left. along with dadiamma.. YEEAHHH. yeahh... well... i emailed geo and riyaz. and... what happened. adam emailed me saying that he kinda had a crush on becky wirth, and he asked what i thought of her. and hes gonna try to talk to her tmrw on the dave&busters thing. and he said he wished i could go.

oh dear. the stuff my subconcsious makes my mind believe.

even this makes me get queasy.


damnit i did it.

*dances in a circle* :] wellll. today we got yearbookss!!!!!
i got geo's email. andrew's aim. and riyaz's email.

plus. i was all like sitting in the thing...and there was thing 25 kids frm the 8th grade class, a certain award frm george w. bush cuz of academics. and tom was like.. *points to me* i was like.. *points to self* nahh mann. *points to him* its all you. but.. they ended up callin my name, and he put his foot on mine, and i look at him, and he raises an eyebrow like.. 'i told ya.' but when i walked into the room, and sat in my seat, i saw adam, and i raised my eyebrows at him, and he did too, then he ended up smiling. then he was like... 'whoaaa. you look...nice...and...colorful.' me: yeppp. *smiles*
but...brians been saying sum wierd stuff lately.
today, brian comes up to me, and he was like, "damn. you look beautiful."
what the hell is that supposed to mean?!!!! i mean..its...brian!! *sighs*

so me and dave were like.. freaking out in the hallway after the cermony, thrusting the "certificate of promotion" in each others faces like DAVE LOOKIT THISS!!! OH MY GOSH AYESHA I KNOWWWW!! THIS IS FREAKING CRAZZYYYYY!!! RIGHT?!!!! THEY DIDNT DO THIS FOR ANY OF TEH OTHER CLASSES!!!

by the wayyyy. :] geopat, his thing in my yearbook, it says:

time goes forward, not backwards.

becca said it was deep and philosophical. haya asked if he knew i was into quotes and stuff like that. i dont think he did. but...its weird. another thing about him that i found out.

'see I've been there, done it, fucked around
after all that - this is what I found
everyone of y'all are just like me
it's too bad that you can't see.'


*holds hair over head and screams*

my stomach hurts.
i CAN walk in high heels.

i need to seriously chilll.
by the wayyyyy. we got yearbooks today. :] i got geopats email. :]


aww how cuteee.


imma be a freshman!!!!!!!

*tries to calm self down*
nope. not working. i have a feeling its not GOING TO WORK.

i...i...gahh. *hides face in hands*

somethings wrong.

there is. theres something wrong. terribly wrong. i dont know what it is. its the end of the year. it doesnt feel like it. theres no vibe. theres no excitement or joy or sadness. at least...for me theres not.
today was kinda like the last real day of school. and we freaking painted. so whatever but..it was like...this is it. its over. its...GONE.

dalayah's speech was about beginning and changes for the better and how this year was amazing. bullshit. i mean, it coulda been like that for other people im sure, but it sure as hell wasnt for me. i mean...it was so..positive. but as she says, 'its just speech material' i get it. its good. i mean, it odesnt apply to me though. because ive changed. ive changed so much. in so many ways that are irrecognizable to everyone cept me. i feel like i was a fake person back then, so blindly sure of everything. but now... im...real...but not there. its as if.. i was never truly there. the reality of it didnt hit me. now, im confused. lost. im always questioning. asking answers. curiousity. but to what? questions that ill never know. answers ill never get. if i wasnt meant to recieve them? but then what the hell. i want to know i wont get them.

another year.
another year of....crap.
another year of....bullshit.
just another fucking year.

so i finally got a shirt fr my teal skirt. its black. and i really like it.
i want rebecca to sleepover on mon. so we could go to school tuesday. with...my hair downn. i wonder what everyones reactions will be like.
cant do work or clean cuz parents r sleeping. cant wake em up with noise.(im even typing lightly)
cleaned out my locker. its pretty much empty.
im so done wiht all this end of the year crap. let it be over soon.

everyone in my house was eating dinner, and i told my mom i wasnt hungry, and that i was jus gonna chill outside .shes like..yeah. ok. so i went outside, and i jus lay on the swing, rocking back and forth, nestled into the fabric to sheild me from the wind and the rocking to comfort me. i think i ended up fallling asleep actually, then i was lying on my back, and watching the stars come out. it was sort of like a game actually, its like..youd search for one, then youd see another, and then, all of a sudden, you spot another, and they suddenly start popping up as if they were there the whole time. what if they were. what if you werent looking hard enough? but....i saw the big dipperrr. :] fr the second time.

whoaaaa. i had one of those wierd dream vision things .i was thinking about breathing, and how i breathe when i look at stars. sometimes i hold my breaht, other times i dont and i exhale quickly as if the oxygen in the air was limited, and i was trying to get as most of it as i possibly can. other times i hardly notice that i even am. and sometimes, how i see a really shiny one, and i inhale a long breath, and keep it, and try to look for the others, scared that there are no others. and other times, i see the shiny one, and exhale long, out of...relief, out of..freedom, that i found one, now that i kno that finding the others will be a breeze so breathe easy.

but...in the thing i just had... i dont know why, but i think i was at walmart or sumthin. by the outdoor stuff and flowers. but it was by the rocks and gravel and pebbles and dirt and topsoil and all that stuff in bags that weigh a lot, stacked on top of each other, in that area, where its usually deserted. it was those shelves, but...im not sure the same things were on them, metal, i remember metal, and probably dark bags of dirt everywhere and mulch, stacked all organized and neat. but it wasnt at walmart...it was a street, sorta like..outside of an abandened warehouse. where they still store old stuff. with only streetlights, like how there'd used to be in chicago. but not a lot. just a few. but...it was night. like....nightnight.. how the sky is darkish, purplish. and theres only a few stars out. but when you look again, you realize that whole sky is FULL of them, you jus gotta look closely.

so i saw a person. blonde. kinda long. blue eyes. big nose. i have a feeling it was adam. and i saw a girl. dark eyes. dark long hair. i think it was me. im not sure. but listen to the rest.

the boy, he was running, and he ran all the way here, and he just stopped, and stared at the sky for a second, then, his face...his breathing became uneasy, and..limited. it was like...ohhhh mann like he didnt like it. like he was getting himself ready for something. like he was...apprehensive about the way thru the metal and shelves by the warehouse under the stars and glow of the streetlight. its like.. he didnt want to go this way. but..he had to. so he took a deep breath, and started running.

but the girl, she was also running, had run all the way here, and she halted, skidded, stopped suddenly and looked up for a second. and her face...she let out a huge exhalation, as if she had been holding her breath the whole time, and she could just breathe again. the girl seemed so..glad to see the streetlight and the dark path. i think...she was runnign from something. nothing in general. but sometimes how you run just to run sometimes. and she got there, she let out a breath,grinned in spite of herself, and broke out into a run, into the darkness, just like the boy had.

i really do think it was us though.
*struggles to keep awake*
*yawns and holds up white truce flag*

sorta like how i pictured it.

'i wanna run away and
never say goodbye.
i wanna know the truth
instead of wondering why.
i wanna know the answers.
no more lies.
i wanna shut the door
and open up my mind.'



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July 2008



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